Forget tea leaves, if you want to know the future, look at your kebab…A survey of 161 City financial services firms found 63% expect their industry to suffer further pain. Of course everyone ignores the 37% in a positive mood. Honestly: in the USA they keep positive – here the recession is becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, while the press report 45% of hiring managers think recruitment activity will fall, let me point out the 55% majority don’t agree. In fact 16% predict an increase in recruitment. If you really want to know what the future holds, keep your eye on Germany’s doner kebab industry. Economist Dieter Schubert says: “In the past 20 years, downturns in the global economy have always been predicted by prices rises in doner kebabs in Germany.” True enough, the doner prices are up and sales are down. If you can’t stand the heat…

Three credit crunch jousting knights now: Insurer Amlin’s profits beat expectations at with £137m to play with. They’re slightly incoherent in our new advice video. Burger King made $51 in the last three months – that’s a jump of over 5% - as more of us look for cheap, quick “food”. McDonald’s too has had booming profits. And Cineworld has declared itself “recession proof” with nearly £15m profits thanks to Batman and Mamma Mia showing at its 74 locations – and a 6% rise in ticket prices. The next Bond film, Quantum of Solace (?!) is expected to shatter records in October.

What have Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and George Clooney all got in common? No, not prostate cancer, they’ve all reserved the new £92,000 Tesla Roadster - the new sports car from the US company, being made right here at the Lotus factory in Norfolk. Why is this of interest, because while the roadster is a high performing penis substitute like every other sports car, unlike the rest it is entirely electric. It takes three hours to charge up and can then run for 220miles. The company is already working on a four-door family version, while developing a more affordable vehicle with an unnamed major manufacturer. One thing this boy’s toy lacks is noise – it’s completely silent when running, so no throaty revs at the traffic lights. It also means, if you’re a passenger in one of the 250 available in Europe, you’ll have to listen to the driver drone on about how green he is, and how small his cock is.

I’m not going out of my way to post good news stories about my pals in the defence industry; there just seems to be a lot of them about at the moment! For example, BAE Systems has signed a 15-year, £2-3bn deal with the Ministry of Defence to supply small arms and medium-calibre ammunition – that’s 80% of the munitions used. So if anyone you know gets caught up in friendly fire, chances are it will be one of BAE’s bullets!  Happy days, thinks you. You’d be right: the contract safeguards 1,700 jobs at factories in Crewe, South Wales and County Durham.  The money will also allow BAE to carry out a £120m investment programme to improve efficiency, plus a much-needed modernisation work on the munitions factories, where some machinery dates from World War II. Why bother? The bullets worked in WWII didn’t they?!