Forget tea leaves, if you want to know the future, look at your kebab…A survey of 161 City financial services firms found 63% expect their industry to suffer further pain. Of course everyone ignores the 37% in a positive mood. Honestly: in the USA they keep positive – here the recession is becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, while the press report 45% of hiring managers think recruitment activity will fall, let me point out the 55% majority don’t agree. In fact 16% predict an increase in recruitment. If you really want to know what the future holds, keep your eye on Germany’s doner kebab industry. Economist Dieter Schubert says: “In the past 20 years, downturns in the global economy have always been predicted by prices rises in doner kebabs in Germany.” True enough, the doner prices are up and sales are down. If you can’t stand the heat…

As if the threat of being stood up at the alter, giving a speech or honeymooning in Antigua isn’t enough of a worry for this summer’s newlyweds, the 2,000 couples who have their wedding lists held with the online gift service Wrapit could lose their pressies as the company was put into administration with no money coming forward to rescue it. The firm’s bank therefore called in the chief bridesmaid, KPMG to wind up proceedings. Wrapit was founded in 2000, and beat John Lewis and Debenhams in Wedding Ideas magazine’s award for best wedding list provider with over 30,000 gift ideas. However, like Sadie Frost, the firm never made a profit and lost around £600,000 in both 2005 and 2006, and you can’t do that in this credit crunch (ahem…)  Customers of the wedding present firm, which operates predominantly online, had reported big delays in receiving their gifts – nine months in one case. Just in time for the wedding night consumation to have taken full effect! HSBC has said it will refund guests who bought gifts using a credit card or Visa debit card through the chargeback scheme - all they need to do is contact their credit card provider.  But those who made a payment more than six months ago, and around 20% of people who used a Switch/Maestro card or cheque to pay for their purchase, will lose out. KPMG has set up a phoneline to answer people’s questions. Brilliant: “Your wedding may be ruined. Talk to an accountant.” Till debt do us part…

With banks firing and crying and moaning and balling, its no wonder that it takes someone from traditionally outside that sector to tear it up: Tesco Personal Finance was a joint venture between the supermercardo and the Royal Bank of Scotland. But the former has bought the latter out now for £950m – giving the RBS a much needed £500m profit to play with. The task for the new team at Tesco Bank is to double annual profits from £450 to over £1bn by offering simple banking products with broad appeal. Let’s face it, you do associate Tesco with consistency and affordability so its not a bad brand to start from. You also associate them with being everywhere and crapping on the competition from a great height – more nice attributes for the people looking after your money. With no exposure to the US mortgage crisis that got the competition into this mess to begin with, £1bn profits don’t seem that far fetched.

In these times it’s important to watch out for companies turning a decent profit as they will be the ones keeping up their recruitment drive. McDonalds says overseas sales have boosted their bank balance beyond expectation (as well as selling their share of Pret a Manger); Swiss bank Credit Suisse has offered the industry a ray of hope by returning to profit - the £580m profit is no where near as big as this time last year, but is beyond what people expected to see (better still, their finance boss is called Renato Fassbind. I saw two of his films on a stag do once); and Rolls Royce are confident that they will ride out the problems in the aviation industry with profits 8% better than expected. Let the good times McSwissRoll.

The bite of the credit crunch isn’t just felt by the big banks. All 179 workers at Scotland’s oldest paper mill (Curtis Fine) were told in their lunch break that they were losing their jobs as the company had collapsed. Staff paid by the week were up to date on pay, however those on the monthly package were told they would not be paid for the last four weeks work. This led Managing Director Keith Chapman to grab his sleeping bag and lead a sit-in that would last until the matter is resolved. His aim is to put pressure on KPMG, bought in to dissolve the business, to prioritise staff pay over others chasing payment. Turns out the real reason the company is on its uppers is a land deal fell through that would have put £1.3m in the bank – the company had actually been performing rather well under Boss Chapman. The brilliantly named Blair Nimmo of KPMG said:  “We are not choosing not to pay people – it is a case of not having the money.” Come on Blair – get in Keith’s sleeping bag and let’s sort this out like real men. Real gay men.